Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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