she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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