Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
