The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
