Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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