just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
