I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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