Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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