Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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