if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
