Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
