Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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