Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
