I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
