I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
