you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
