You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
