he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
When did we convert life to cartoon?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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