Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
