id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
