Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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