well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
