I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
