Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
