So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
