Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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