you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Randomize
