Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
