Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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