Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
