dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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