i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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