my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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