Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
