Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
