just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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