it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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