is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
