His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
