I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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