i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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