You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
