No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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