the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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