I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
