At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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