She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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