I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Randomize
