On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
