somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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