I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just forgot I was standing up.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
