did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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